


something fun for a friday night

by civilcarter



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crack, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, boxer!jaebum, fencer!jackson, i swear i'll try to depict it right, jaebum has anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 08:32:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9596615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/civilcarter/pseuds/civilcarter
Summary: what could possibly go wrong?





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> hi there!
> 
> so, this is my first multichaptered got7 fanfic. i really hope you like it!

"no, mom, i'm sure i'm fine" jaebum's voice wasn't shaky anymore, even though his hands still were.

"are you sure you don't want me to come over? is jinyoung there with you?" the voice on the other side of the line sounded worried and slightly desperate.

"yes eomma, i'm sure. and yes, he's here with me. i'll be fine, don't worry" jaebum assures to her again (for the fifth time, to be precise).

"ok, ok, i'm sorry" she says. "go get some rest, i'll call you tomorrow. i love you, 'kay?".

"ok eomma, love you too. i'll be fine, you don't need to worry" he says one last time. "bye".

"goodbye honey, i love you".

and with a thud, the phone is back in it's place and the call is ended. jaebum walks towards the living room, where jinyoung waited paciently, pretending he was entertained by anything on his smartphone's screen and absolutely wasn't listening to jaebum's call with his mother.

"you don't need to call her all the time" he said, a little bit of anger in his voice.

"in fact, i do need. you know that" jinyoung answered, letting his phone over the couch and looking up at his friend. "and i'll keep calling. these are the doctor's orders, and they're just because you're stubborn and doesn't want to let your own mother know of your anxiety attacks".

jaebum huffs in annoyance.

"ok, fine" his voice still sounds angry. "are you going to bed?"

"i inteded to".

"i'm going to the academy".

"ok, i’ll keep the door unlocked".

* * *

jaebum's hands hit the punching bag for the thousandth time that night. he can feel the sweat running through his temples, his cheeks and nose and down his neck to his bare chest and back. he can't tell if his hands are aching, he can't feel them. the bag, on the other hand, feels heavy against his red gloves and arms, who keep punching and punching throughout the hours.

the dark environment around him helps, too. in the dark, there is nothing but silent compliance and, sometimes, the smell of rain. that eases him.

_one, two punches. kick. turn. start again._

it's stupid. he's stupid. he hates feeling like that. he's jealous and lonely and no one knows that despite him and the sparring sacs. there's no use in trying to make other people understand the way he feels, because they don't. they judge him, telling him he's being lazy and a baby, wanting nothing more than endless attention. so he just shuts up and swallows the tears, his feelings and the pills the doctor gives him every three months.

_one, two punches. kick. turn. again._

well, at least he's found out boxing. "you should do something like karate or boxing, it would help to release your stress and reduce the incidents" the doctor was clear on that. and so there he went, in the glory of his 16 years of age, to start training. and now, looking six years after, things have became way different than he thought they would.

_one, two punches. kick. turn. stop._

he held the sparring bag with both his palms, waiting until it stopped trembling with his last move. his hands had stopped shaking, and now the only reason as to why his heart was beating that fast was due to the exercises. that was good. that meant it was time to go back _home_.

the sound of the keys clicking when he closed the academy faded into the night, just when he started walking away from the door. coach shin had left spare keys with him in case situations like those happened. despite jinyoung and his eomma, he was the only one who knew about his condition - as he so kindly adressed to what he had. but again, no one tried to care. so neither did he.

already clean and in the safety of his room, he collided against his mattress with a loud thud. jinyoung was sleeping on the other room and, so far, hadn't complained or shown any life signs. that was good - he would be absolutely mad if jaebum woke him up. well, jinyoung was a heavy sleeper, so waking him up would only happen in two very specific situations: jaebum having another crysis or throwing a party. despite those (which wasn't the situation, because jaebum just had a shower, ate the ramen jinyoung made for him and went to bed), his dongsaeng should keep sleeping like a good rock and jaebum would be free of complaints.

he noticed his phone screen had a message. he normally didn't take it to the academy, so it was a ritual to always check it after coming back and before going to sleep, just in case his mom or some of his few friends had sent him something. it was a message from jinyoung, sent about 2 hours ago. he opened it and read, wondering what would be so important for jinyoung not being able to wait until tomorrow to tell him.

_jyp: mark and i_

_jyp: we're kinda going out tmrw night_

_jyp: and i want you to come w me_

_jyp: he's bringing a friend so u don't have to be alone_

_jyp: pls say yes_

_jyp: i'll wash your laundry for the next month if u do_

jaebum scattered his memories trying to remember who was this mark jinyoung was talking about. he knows jinyoung was into someone from his calculus class, but jaebum didn't actually pay attention to his childhood friend ranting about his mathematic crush - so he doesn't remember his name neither anything else jinyoung told him. it must be him - has to, there's no one else jinyoung talks about, anyway.

jaebum thought seriously about denying the offer, even though he really hated doing his laundry and having jinyoung washing it for a whole month sounded really tempting. and he also had a important test in three days, to which he really needed to study. but that was just an excuse, because the truth was jaebum didn't want to go simply because he wasn't up to it. you see, jaebum hates meeting new people. he doesn't know how to talk to them, how to be polite and nice and don't make a fool out of himself - and that never ends well. that normally ends with him hating himself for not knowing how to be social. rarely, in very specific situations, that leads to another incident. and the last thing he wanted after today was another one of those.

_defjb: idk_

_defjb: i need to study_

_defjb: i'll let u know tmrw_

he hated himself for not being able to tell jinyoung a 'no, i don't want to' right away. he just couldn't, there was something inside him that didn't let him say no to a friend asking for help - even if that help meant going to a date that wasn't even his to keep company to a friend. it would be absolutely boring and he would accept being in any other place besides there, but he knew jinyoung would keep asking him and bribing him with laundry until he said yes. and he'd do it, eventually. it's just how it worked with him.

he locked his phone's screen again and turned to face the wall to which the bed was near. he was tired and his muscles were screaming for some rest, so it didn't take him much to sleep a dreamless slumber.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear the next chapter will be more interesting, this one was just to roll time a little. hope you like it, though! ♡

he opened his eyes precisely at 7 o'clock. his muscles contracted in affright and he wondered where he was and why was something being so noisy so near his ears and so shiny near his eyes, but when he realized it was his phone's alarm he relaxed in the mattress and let the fact it was already time to wake up sink in for a couple of minutes. his classes started at 9:30 today, but that didn't mean he could sleep until then; he had things to do - such as try to stay awake while going to the library and talking to a couple of friends about a group project one of the teachers proposed.

before getting up, he looked at his phone. jinyoung had sent him something again.

_jyp: c'mon, it'll be fun_

_jyp: it's in that bar near the taco place, remember? the one u said that looked nice_

_jyp: pls_

_jyp: i don't want to make this a date_

jaebum had absolutely no conscience or lucidity to answer that right now.

he got up not long after reading his friend's messages, ignoring his absolutely disgusting bed hair and swollen face and heading to the kitchen. he wasn't hungry enough for a whole meal, but the cup of coffee he'd get while on the way to the library and some cereal were more than enough. he ate in silence, wondering if jinyoung had already left or not. he probably did, if jaebum wasn't mistaken. he normally knew jinyoung's classes schedule as much as jinyoung knew his - unless jinyoung decided the day didn't look that inviting and he skipped classes to sleep or study for something else.

between two spoonfuls of cereal, he remembered jinyoung's texts. _'i don't want to make this a date'. huh, that's funny. jinyoung was dying to go out with this dude and now he doesn't want to call it a date? c'mon jinyoung, you're better than that. and this mark is bringing a friend too - so that doesn't make it less of a date, in fact it makes it a double date. this doesn't make any fucking sense._

he finished the bowl while still thinking about it. before leaving, already changed and more presentable (but still sleepy), he reminded himself he still had to answer his messages, even though he thought jinyoung already knew his opinion on the subject. he decided he'd do that after a cup of coffee, tucking the phone inside his jacket's pocket and leaving the room.

the cafe was, and this is literally, under jaebum and jinyoung's building. the construction had six stories, but the first and the other five ones weren't from the same owner and absolutely not for the same function. the apartments on top had a bricks façade and white moldured normal windows, while the cafe at the first story had a pale yellow wall and big windows. at the end, it was actually the best thing jaebum could've ever asked for, because for someone who runs on low doses of sleep and high doses of caffeine, having a cafe exactly under your house was heaven.

he got out of the building by the only door, a small one on the left side of the cafe. he took five steps front and was already in front of the cafe's door, which he pushed calmly and happily appreciating the smell of freshly brewed coffee. it was almost empty, as most of the days. youngjae was comfortably sat on the other side of the counter, by the cash register, greeting the few costumers inside and asking their orders. instintively, jaebum entered the line and waited until it was his turn. he didn't plan to stay long, so ordering directly sounded like the best option.

"why are you up so early today? isn't it friday?" the younger boy asked, in a kind tone.

“i have some things to do today. how are you, youngjae?” he answered, kindly. youngjae smiled at him.

“i’m feeling awesome. the usual?”

“three doses this time, please” he said.

"ooh, someone's had a rough night" youngjae smiled.

_you have no idea._

after paying and waiting about five minutes, his order was in his hand and he was leaving – not before, obviously, wishing youngjae a good day. he wouldn’t say they were exactly friends, but youngjae was a nice colleague who let him study at the café when he didn’t want to stay at the library or when his own room seemed to small to breathe.

the campus where the library was inserted also wasn't that far from where they lived. a 10 minute walk he and jinyoung usually did together, because their classes were at the same place, even though jaebum was a cinema major and jinyoung was a psychology major.

through all the way, while sipping his strong coffee, jaebum remembered again that he had to answer jinyoung. he had completely forgotten about his request – and was absolutely happy while not thinking about it. with an annoyed huff, he pulled his phone off of his pocket and read the messages again, trying to think of something to use as an excuse to not go. he knew jinyoung would keep insisting, because jinyoung hates when people - especially jaebum - tell him a 'no'. he typed with his free hand, doing his best to seem convincent.

_defjb: i don’t think i can make it_

_defjb: sorry jinyoungie_

he shouldn’t have put his phone back into his jacket, because jinyoung was quick and replied to him in less than 5 minutes.

_jyp: plssssssssss cmon hyung_

_jyp: i’ll do your laundry and wash the dishes_

_jyp: and do that math project you didn’t want to do_

_jyp: he’s bringing jackson_

_defjb: jackson who_

_jyp: that jackson from the fencing team_

_jyp: the one who won the championship a couple of weeks ago_

_jyp: you have to know him, he’s like a celeb on campus_

_defjb: i have absolutely no idea who he is_

_jyp: he’s amazing, you’ll love him_

_jyp: pretty please, hyung_

_defjb: we’ll talk about this later_

he put his phone on silent mode and into his bag's pocket his time, so even if jinyoung texted him, he wouldn't listen and have an excuse to talk to him later about it. he finished his walk calmly, taking the last sip of the coffee right before entering the library. as expected for a friday morning, it was almost empty, despite two or three lost souls and his history of cinema group - that consisted of another boy and a girl. jaebum knew both from class, but the only one he actually talked to was yugyeom.

"sorry for being a little late" he excused himself, sitting at the table and greeting the other three people with a nod.

the meeting went as swift as possible - and better than jaebum expected it would, actually. c'mon, it was friday morning; he has expecting people sleeping over the table or in a bad mood for waking up so early when their classes only started at 9:30. they didn't have time to do much, but those almost two hours were especially productive. yugyeom and the girl did most of the brainstorming - jaebum only gave some opinions and there it was, the project already had a disformed shape they would craft into something better at the next meeting.

when the clock hit fifteen past nine, both decided to call it a day and head to the clasroom building. jaebum didn't leave, though; he spent some five minutes he knew he still had to search for a new book at the library. it didn't take long for him to find it, leaving in no time and quickly heading outside and into the cold autumn air. he could see the leaves already turning brown all over the park's trees. between the four main constructions of the arts campus, was a big par. the paths connecting all four areas - cinema and arts at north, psychology at south, philosophy and sociology at east and social sciences and dance _plus_ library at west - were made of cement, but the rest of the area was covered in grass and large trees.

jaebum's shoes hit the cement quickly while he walked. the entrance of the cinema building was full of people heading to the classes upstairs. the floor had simetrical squares carved in black in the middle of the white marble. the walls were cream and most of the other things were made out of wood. tables, doors, window frames - everything. jaebum liked the aesthetic of it, the sobriety of the colors, the imponence; the feeling it gave him was funny but also inspiring sometimes. he ran upstairs in a rush. he only had five minutes - and three stories to go up.

fortunately, he got there before the door was closed. being a little late made him loose his favorite spot - at front, but by the wall, near the door. the room was large, with a lot of places still empty; but with his favorite spot already occupied, he opted by the second option: by the window. sit by it was like venom to his attention in class - that was one of the many reasons as to why he sits on the opposite side of the room. by the window, his mind wonders and he ends up listening to absolutely nothing the teacher is saying.

just as he sat, the professor got in. not that tall and around his sixties, wearing social clothing and with a briefcase on his right hand - that, ladies and gentlemen, is professor myeong. signs of cinema teacher, also known as _the reason why jaebum hates signs class_. he loves the subject, he really does; but myeong is just a huge _pain in the ass_. and in every single way possible. his class is horrible, and he is an awful person in general. it makes jaebum sick - how can a teacher, someone supposed to aid you and help you with your studies, to be such a _mean_ human being.

"good morning, class" he says, in a low tone, a little muffled by the low chattering echoing inside the room.

"annyeonghaseyo, professor myeong" some people answer, jaebum being one of them.

"i want summaries of all five chapters of the first book for monday" he says, now louder so the whole class listens this time.

jaebum widens his eyes, in complete shock. he mouths a 'what the actual...' (more for himself than to the outer world), and notices yugyeom, sitting a couple of chairs away, notices it and smirks in despair. everyone suddenly sits straight in their chairs, some mouthing silent complaints like jaebum while the bravest ones dare to speak a little louder, but nothing more than whisper.

"just so you remember to shut up next time the teacher walks in class" he continues, this time his voice being the only one in the room. he moves on with class, like absolutely nothing had happened and he wasn't forcing all his students into _forced labour._

_the book has 437 fucking pages_ , jaebum thinks with himself. _well, now at least i have a decent reason to say no to jinyoung._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jackbum in a nutshell:  
> jaebum is like jackson's school girl crush  
> jaebum: jackson who
> 
> (i would like to thank my girlfriend for this amazing summary of this fanfiction, ily baby)
> 
> i rly hope you liked it and again, thank you for reading!


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jinyoung hates when people tell him no.

jinyoung hates when people tell him _no_. this is a fact.

the thing is, jaebum isn't understanding what jinyoung wants to do. of course he doesn't - he has always been too oblivious to see it. the thing is, jinyoung worries about jaebum. their friendship is older than jinyoung himself can remember; ever since he was a child, jaebum has always just been there, in his life. they grew up together. jinyoung treats jaebum like the older responsible brother jaebum has always been for him, while jaebum treats jinyoung like the younger and annoying but caring brother jinyoung always wanted to be.

ever since jaebum started having these incidents with his anxiety, almost seven years ago, jinyoung's worry has already gone to the moon and back. jinyoung probably is the only one who knows how jaebum actually feels about it - something the older would never dare tell to his own mother. and that's one of the main reasons as to why jinyoung wants jaebum to go out with him.

jaebum has always hated the night life - but so did jinyoung, so they never really cared about it. jinyoung knows jaebum would rather stay at home watching something nice than going out to a party, a bar or even to eat something. he hates too open or too closed spaces, especially if either of those are full of people, so he avoids them like the plague. people bring jaebum over the edge - and jinyoung is aware of that. he swears he's trying his best.

but, at the same time, jinyoung knows how much jaebum wanted not to hate those places. he knows how jaebum wishes he wasn't the way he is - always too worried, too scared things will go wrong and people will see him as anything other than who he portraits in usual life; an invisible guy, who doesn't talk much, doesn't interact and does boxing. jaebum's presence is rarely noticed at places, despite his pretty face and body. jaebum doesn't want people to notice him - because that means being social.

jinyoung wants him not to feel like that.

of course the boy would never put him under a stress situation strong enough to cause an attack, but at the same time he wants jaebum to relax and enjoy things a little. and what would be better than a nice night out? it is a nice opportunity.

"i swear it’ll be fun! it's a big place, not many people know it. the food's good, and mark and jackson are fun too. if you don't want to stay, we can go, i swear i won't mind" jinyoung said, in a pleading voice. jaebum was sitting by him at the restaurant they decided (actually, jinyoung decided, jaebum agreeed because he likes the food and it's a cozy place) to have lunch together. "please, i really want your company today!"

"i have 450 pages to summarize and a book to read, jinyoung, i have to start it today" he said, adamant. "i'm sorry, i can't go".

"your health is going down the drain, y'know that right? you keep studying like you don't need to sleep or eat. i don't want to find you dead at your room because of it” jinyoung retorted, in a serious tone. “i know boxing helps with stress but you can't stay at home like that only because you’re a boxer”.

“and what do you know about that, jinyoung?”

“i’m a fucking psychology major, smartass. and i know you better than you know yourself. isn’t that enough?” he answered, in a calm tone. jaebum was about to say something, but closed his mouth soon after. “it would be good if you went out at least once or twice a month, so you get used to more crowded places and learn how to deal with the feelings you have. i know you don’t like it, but along with your medicine, i swear it’ll help”.

jaebum kept his mouth shut. he knew jinyoung was right – but of course he would never admit it. the subject died after that, both changing subjects while lunching and then parting ways into their respective buildings, for the rest of the day. jinyoung was secretly wishing all he said was at least a little effective; jaebum, on the other hand, was hating jinyoung for being _so fucking convincing_ when he wanted.

the rest of the day ran by smoothly. all the other classes jaebum had flew quickly, no more of myeong and his stupid book. the last class finished at half past four, and jaebum walked home feeling drained and wondering if he would be able to run to the academy before coach shin closed it, so he wouldn't have to open it like the last time.

when he opened the building's door, a familiar voice calls him.

"hyung, wait!"

jinyoung.

jaebum turns his head and watches while jinyoung walks a little faster towards him. his glasses are sitting on the bridge of his nose and jaebum could tell he was as exhasted as himself by his heavy breathing and tired expression. "thank you" the younger said, while both walked inside. "how was your day?"

"meh" jaebum answers. jinyoung smirks. "if i ever find myeong walking down the street, i'll kick his ass".

"what did he do this time?"

"he fucking ordered us to summarize the whole book for monday. i'll die for inanition doing this shit" he said.

"oh, so _that's_ what you were talking about earlier. i assumed it had to do with your test as well" jinyoung opened the door to their apartment.

"oh no, the test is just about the book. i'll probably have to find a summary of it, it'll be impossible for me to do both" the older collided against the couch, not before throwing his bag on the floor.

"you'll do fine, don't worry".

there was a small silence, while jinyoung threw his bag inside his room and jaebum drowned into a pit of despair. jinyoung returned now wearing only the t-shirt he wore during the day and his jeans, getting rid of the jacket. he walked near the couch, watching while jaebum had his eyes closed and looked like he wanted to be a plant rather than a thinking human being.

"hyung, i-"

"you still want me to go?"

jinyoung got silent for another second.

"of course i do. you can start your things tomorrow, you'll be relaxed and will work better. c'mon, trust me at least once" pleaded. jaebum put his hands over his face and, if jinyoung knew jaebum like he though he did, he was at least considering the possibility of going. all he needed was a little push.

"jackson's pretty cute. and he's on the fencing team. he's nice, you won't be third wheeling - i swear. and in worst of situations, you went out and ate at a nice place" he said. jinyoung knew better than use this type of weapon against jaebum most of the time - and being a matchmaker was definitely not his goals. actually, all he wanted was to make the date with mark less formal, make it look like a gathering of friends instead of a romantic date; and, of course, bring jaebum out of his cave. _what could possibly go wrong?_

jaebum sighed.

"you're doing my laundry for two months. and my math homework".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you're enjoying the story so far! i'm trying to upload the chapters as soon as possible, bc my classes start in two weeks and i don't know if i'll have time to post as often as i can now. and also i swore to myself i'd finish this story bc i really like the prompt.
> 
> again, thank you so much for reading! love ya <3


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh fuck. he's so screwed.

jackson has been a fencer for a long time. even though at first, when a friend first invited him for a class, he thought the whole thing was the weirdest ever, he ended up falling in love with it. his mind changed quickly, and it didn’t take him long to start having classes as well and, in a small amount of time, he was already in his first competition. perfectionist to the most and with all the will and energy to win, of course he earned a medal. a second place in his first competition is definitely something that pushes the spotlights to him – and soon enough he was an experient fencer with lots of sponsorships.

it wasn’t a big surprise when he joined the uni’s fencing team, right after entering college. and even having to deal with his studies and training as well, jackson managed to succeed in both. his grades were one of the highest ones in class, and the medals kept on coming. jackson had – and still has – an amazing and bright future ahead of him.

despite all the pressure over his shoulders, jackson has always been a social butterfly; and in college, it wasn’t different. everyone seems to know _the_ jackson wang – also known as the nicest person on campus, the fencer, _that dude that’s always smiling and does fencing_. and, as a PE major, jackson knows everyone on the sports’ teams. it wasn’t on his plans being friends with jooheon, but a year and a half after first meeting with the boys from the boxing team and there he is, spending time at the academy and waiting while jooheon gets ready to train.

“who’s the dude your fighting against today?” jackson sits at the wooden bench, watching while his friends puts on the gloves.

“his name’s jaebum. he’s the best boxer in the academy. and he goes to our college as well” jooheon said, pushing his water bottle and the towel from his bag and walking towards the door to the training area, with jackson right behind him. coach shin likes jackson, so he allows the fencer to stay there as long as he doesn’t disturb the boys while training.

“so why isn’t he on the boxing team? if he’s so good, he’d be a good addition”.

“no one knows. i asked coach shin once and he just said jaebum doesn’t train for competitions. i mean, he should – but no one knows why he doesn’t apply to it”.

jooheon entered the ring and sat by jackson, that was at one of the corners, leaning at the ropes. they chatted for about five minutes – not because his opponent was late, but because they were early. jackson had to admit that he was curious about the boy, especially because of everything jooheon had just told him. it’s unusual that a good sportsman like jooheon claims he is doesn’t apply to teams or competitions. most athletes fight for spots at championships, because that means visibility – and visibility means _sponsorships_ , especially if what one want is to pursue a career inside the sport.

jaebum stepped inside the ring completely oblivious to the scene on the other end. he isn’t the one to call people or let them know of his presence – especially the ones he doesn’t know. ok, he has already seen jooheon before, he knows his name and the fact that they study at the same college, but despite that, he’s as clueless as possible about the guy who’s about to train with him. this was all coach shin’s idea – as jaebum doesn’t train for competitions (because his anxiety screams at situations of stress such as championships), he uses jaebum as a pre-training for the big leagues. and as well, this improves jaebum’s skills as well – no shit he’s the best boxer of the academy.

on the other side of the ring, though, jackson is staring at the mysterious boy standing at the ring over jooheon’s shoulder. the boy’s wearing nothing but his usual shorts and the gloves (just like jooheon) – but, differently from jooheon, the boy looks like a _fucking greek god_ in those. jackson pleads for the boy not to notice him there, staring like a fool and pretending he’s paying attention to jooheon’s ranting. when jooheon notices his friend’s stare going up the ring, he turns around and sees jaebum.

“sorry, i didn’t see you there”.

“it’s fine, don’t worry”.

“wanna start now?”

“when you’re ready”.

according to the official rules, the match should last around 50 minutes - but jooheon intended to continue his usual training after the match; so they agreed on it lasting about twenty five – or 6 rounds.

and well, that meant twenty five minutes where jooheon got his ass _completely kicked_ by jackson’s newest crush.

not only mesmerized by the boy itself, jackson understood why jooheon told him jaebum was the best boxer mr. shin coached. the boy had a perfect technique, along with a complete control over his muscles, moves and strategy. there was _no fucking way_ a boy like him wasn’t already competing on the big leagues. he’d make it big if he was, at least.

at the end of the sixth and last round, jooheon was wrecked. of course jaebum didn’t hurt him – the boy needed to be in shape for the fight on Saturday, but the amount of ways jaebum kicked his ass was beyond human ability to count. jooheon was dripping sweat, and when jackson – who ended up in charge of timing the rounds and rest periods – announced the end of the match, he was completely out of breath.

jooheon sat at the middle of the ring with the towel over his head, drinking water like his life depended on it. jaebum only had his hands over his knees, his hair damp and sticking to his forehead with the excess of sweat. again, he felt weird – should he leave without saying nothing or should he say something? he didn’t know how to address the boy, or what to say, or even if he should open his mouth at all. he wanted to leave, the silence between them was a little uncomfortable and he had no idea on how to proceed.

“nice match” jooheon said, taking the bottle out of his hand and sticking his hand forward. jaebum mentally thanked him for saying something.

“you did g-great” jaebum answered, shaking the adversary’s hand. “and good luck with the match on saturday”.

“thank you”.

right when jackson was about to say something, jaebum turned around and left the ring. the boy watched him go back to the showers, vanishing behind the door without a sound.

after that day, jackson never intended to see jaebum again – let alone talk to him like he’s about to. on a boring friday night, the fencer’s at a bar, sitting with mark by his side at the table, both boys chitchatting like they usually do when alone. mark had just said that jinyoung texted him, and that him and the friend he’s bringing are parking the car and will be there in just a minute. he hums in agreement, having another sip of the beer he ordered – he shouldn’t be drinking, but what harm can it make if it’s just once a month?

it’s a funny scene, the one where jinyoung appears with jaebum in front of their table. mark’s looking at his date like he’s the prettiest thing ever, so head over heels for jinyoung it’s almost disgusting. meanwhile, jackson’s blinking like a madman, trying to prove to his own brain that the person his eyes claim to be in front of him is indeed the same boxer he’s seen about a month ago, covered in sweat inside a boxing ring.

jaebum’s now wearing a gray t-shirt under a loose leather jacket, along with equally dark jeans and black shoes. jackson swallows dry.

“jinyoung, this is my friend jackson. jackson, these are jinyoung and jaebum”.

oh fuck. he was _so screwed_.


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaebum smiles. yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

jaebum has been sitting on the same chair for about twenty minutes. he really doesn’t know how things have come to this – and has absolutely no notion as to why he’s feeling like he is.

he is a very introverted person. of course that is an extreme influence of his anxiety – the walls he has built protect himself from the overwhelming world outside, keeping safe and sound his feelings, his sometimes fragile mental state and everything else he doesn’t want the world to know. that’s one of the main reasons as to why he hates going out – meeting new people mean bringing those walls down, at some point. and he spent so many time building them, he doesn’t want to go through all the same pain again.

jackson’s sitting right in front of him. he looks like a decent guy – his blonde hair looks beautiful the way he styled it, and the way his white shirt and jeans hug his muscles show jaebum his body just like the one of an athlete, like himself. that’s when it hits him – jackson _is_ an athlete, he’s a fucking fencer. he certainly doesn’t look like one . he’s seen the other guys from the fencing team, they all look like snobby people who don’t really care about anything besides their own medals and well-being.

but jackson looks exactly the opposite. the boy looks like someone who could pass by a normal guy, just another student trying to get by. by the way jinyoung portrayed him, the boy looked like a real celeb. but he’s definitely not that.

jaebum doesn’t know why he’s wondering about jackson. he can’t even blame it on the alcohol.

he shrugs the thoughts away before coming down to earth again and paying attention to the conversation between jinyoung and mark. jaebum is extremely conscious and observant when he’s nervous. he can smell mark’s cologne even he’s away from the boy and can see the etiquette from his shirt, sticking off of it on the nape of his neck while he’s bending down to be closer to jinyoung. all the three of them are having beers, while jaebum is drinking a coke – his medicine stops him from drinking alcohol.

“he’s such a jerk, i can’t stand him” jinyoung says, after a gulp.

“i’ve always hated him, ever since day one” mark agreed, with a nod.

and their chat goes on, under jaebum’s curious stare. mark and jinyoung don’t seem to notice his attention in their conversation, so immersed in their own little world not even a catastrophe would pull them away from each other.

jaebum feels jackson staring at him sometimes. he feels the way the boy’s eyes on his skin make it tingle in nervousness, his stomach aching lightly. he wanted to ask for him to just stop  - but that would be extremely rude, and he’d never do such thing. he had only two options; he could either leave or start talking. jackson’s eyes asked for attention – jaebum’s good on noticing things like that, even though he doesn’t know why. he knows when people are about to do things or want them. maybe it’s because he doesn’t really care for spoken words – so actions speak louder under his eyes.

he looks at jinyoung again. the boy’s enjoying it so much – he didn’t want to leave after only twenty minutes; he couldn’t do that to the two of them. the way they look at each other is different, looks like they already know one another since they were born, but there’s a different sparkle in their eyes, something mischievous they share only with one another. jaebum has never seen that on jinyoung – and he couldn’t just deprive the boy from it because he didn’t feel comfortable there.

his eyes roam to jackson before going down to his glass again. his face looks _so_ familiar. it is as if jaebum has seen it a lot of times before, but his memory had just been erased or suppressed and he has absolutely nothing but the familiar sensation he has already seen jackson’s features somewhere.

maybe that’s a good thing to start a conversation about.

he breathes deeply twice, trying to calm his heart. _it’s going to be fine, get used to this shit_.

“um, excuse me” he says, his voice still a little low. he already expected jackson not to hear him, like most people do when he’s nervous. but, as if he was waiting for it, jackson turns his attention towards jaebum and his heart skips a beat because _what the actual fuck_. he takes jackson’s quiet stare as a queue to continue. “do i know you from somewhere?”

jackson opens a small smile. “i don’t know, i think i’d remember you”.

jaebum doesn’t know how to answer that. he’s a little – and by a little, i mean a lot – terrified.

“sorry, i though i knew you from somewhere” he says, more out of education and common sense than a sincere answer.

“let’s see; where do you usually go?”

“i don’t go out much” he retorts.

“really?” he looks impressed. “mark told me you attend our college. what’s your major?” jackson leans forward. a hand around the beer mug’s handle.

“cinema. you?”

“PE”.

“it sounds nice”.

“it’s fun, even though i hate being inside the classroom most of the time”.

jaebum sipped from his can.

“well, 90% of my classes are inside, so i don’t really mind” he says.

“i’d get mad if i stood inside any more than i already do. it’s so fucking stressing” he says, taking another gulp from his mug. jaebum doesn’t anwer. “it’s great i get to let it all out during fencing, otherwise i’d be mad”.

“i’ve never knew much about fencing”.

“it’s a nice sport. and one with the biggest rate of trophies and medals by season on college” jackson explains. even though it sounds like he’s boasting, he actually isn’t. jackson gets a little excited when the subject is fencing – and he just can’t stop himself from speaking. “in second there’s boxing, and right after it’s swimming. aren’t you into sports? you look like an athlete” he asks.

it’s obvious jackson already knows the answer. he doesn’t know exactly why he’s playing this whole game since he is aware of jaebum’s boxing. the boy’s got this aura around him – it’s still something weird, that jackson doesn’t understand; he looks mysterious, the whole _not talking much and observing most of the time_ thing. jackson’s curious about him, as to why he behaves the way he does.

 “i’m a _boxer_ ” jaebum says, in the same tone he’s been using. “i’ve been for 6 years”.

“really?!” jackson, who was drinking his beer, takes the glass away from his mouth to answer. “than why don’t you apply to the boxing team? a new addition is always something good”.

“i don’t... i don’t like the competition. it’s not my thing. i’m not a professional boxer, i just do it for fun” he explains, the usual excuse he uses when people ask him the exact same thing. it’s not a usual thing, but people sometimes tend to be nosy when they found out he’s an athlete – just like jackson’s being. he doesn’t really mind them; not anymore.

“don’t you know someone from the boxing team? they train in an academy near the arts campus” jackson mentions.

“yeah, i know them. i train in the same academy”.

jackson coos. “ooh, so you must know some of them! do you know hoseok? he’s just a little taller than me”.

“hoseok... the name does sound familiar. is he the one with the white and blue hair?”

“that’s him! he’s a good friend of mine, i’ve known him since my first day in college. what about jooheon? he looks intimidating and his face’s funny” jackson says, giggling when speaking about his old friend.

“yah, i trained with him a couple of times! he’s the one trying a spot on the big leagues, isn’t he?”

“yeah, that’s him. he did great in his last fight, won in the third round” jackson says, smiling.

“i trained with him for it. it’s good to know he did fine”.

jackson look at him for a second. jaebum is smiling, taking a gulp from his own drink and observing mark and jinyoung’s conversation again after some seconds of silence between him and jackson. the boy looks a bit lost, not sure as to what he should do next. jackson smiles at that. not at how he’s feeling, because that probably is terrifying to him. _but if jackson can help, so why wouldn’t he?_

_“so, why are you so into cinema?”_

* * *

 

“you did like him!” jinyoung says, laughing while hitting jaebum’s arm playfully. the eldest is driving back to their apartment, jinyoung on the shotgun. he’s laughing and watching as jaebum smiles sheepishly at his remark. “c’mon hyung, don’t lie to me!”

“shut up, pabo. he’s a nice guy, that’s all” he says, eyes still firmly stuck to the empty and dimly lit streets in front of him. “stop making things up”.

“are you even listening to yourself? do you know when was the last time i heard you say you though a guy was cool?” jinyoung says, laughter in-between his words and a mocking look on his face. “five weeks before you first started dating! oh god, you’re so into him”.

“you’re drunk and, therefore, not making any sense. shut up, jinyoungie”.

“i’m absolutely sober, excuse me” he says. he really wasn’t, but what was the point of acting sober when you’re actually not? “did you get his number?”

“the correct question would be ‘did he give me his number’, because he’s so shameless he’d give me his id if it was convenient” jaebum says. jinyoung giggles. “and yes, he did. he wants me to text him next time i see jooheon by the academy”.

“oh my god, i’m such an amazing cupid. i bring people together even when i don’t mean to. i’m awesome”.

jaebum sighs. slowly, the silence falls between them and the boy slowly drifts inside his own mind, remembering the whole night as if it was a movie recorded by his eyes. jackson seemed like one of those nosy person jaebum disliked so much, that made him lie when he didn’t ask for them to pry into his life. after that, he realized jackson was nothing more than a curious kid, just wanting to know more out of pure interest. they talked about many subjects, from jaebum’s major to jackson’s taste for music, about college and about other things jaebum couldn’t even remember anymore – the conversation always changed so fast, sometimes he was dizzied by realizing how swift jackson was able to shift the conversation 180 degrees.

he did seem like a nice guy, jaebum wasn’t lying when he said that. his number was written on a small piece of paper with a pen the waiter borrowed him. maybe jaebum might text him on tuesday, when he knows jooheon will be back at the academy.

jaebum smiles. _yeah, that sounds like a good plan._


	6. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world. The bird flies to God. That God's name is Abraxas".

_In what seemed the strangest possible manner a reply reached me. In my classroom, on my desk, after a break between two lessons I found a note tucked in my book. It was folded exactly the same as notes classmates of mine secretly slipped each other during class. I was only surprised to receive such a note at all, for I had never had that sort of relationship with any student. I thought it would turn out to be an invitation to some prank in which I would not participate anyway--I put the note unread in the front of my book._

jaebum shifts in his chair again. his back hurts, the same for his eyes and head. it’s been two days that he’s been cloistered inside his room, working. saturday was enough for him to finish professor myeong’s assignment, but he still had the book to read. his test about demian would be tomorrow, during script class. the book wasn’t boring – actually, jaebum found himself pretty captivated by it; but it was a bit confusing at times. but nevertheless, reading was something the boy has always enjoyed, so finishing another book wasn’t really a sacrifice.

_I came on it again only during the lesson. Playing with the note I unfolded it carelessly and noticed a few words written on it. One glance was sufficient. One word stopped me cold; in panic I read on while cold fear contracted my heart: "The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born must first destroy a world. The bird flies to God. That God's name is Abraxas"._

he stops for a second, turning the book upside down and placing it in front of him, by his right. he grabs a pen and, under his last note about the book, writes down the quote. “the bird fights its way out of the egg. the egg is the world” he repeats it in a low tone, a usual reflect he has when studying or writing alone. “who would be born must first destroy a world. the birds flies to-“

the door suddenly opens. jaebum drops the pen.

“hyung, i need your help”.

jinyoung. _oh no, not again_.

“what do you need this time?” jaebum is turned towards his friend, looking at him with a parcially annoyed but still attentive expression. jinyoung has a notebook and a pen on his hand.

“don’t worry, you don’t need to get our of your cave this time. i want you to help with this statistics thing. i don’t have the faintest idea what this is”.

“jinyoung, i’m a cinema major. why do you think i asked you to do my math homework?” jaebum says, sarcasm dripping off of his words. jinyoung walks towards him.

“oh, shut up” he says. “you say you don’t know math but your grades in math I are perfect. you know this, please help me. not even google saved my ass this time” he sounds desperate. jaebum sighs.

“ok, have a seat” he points to the other chair, by his bed. jinyoung pulls it near the balcony and sits, leaving the notebook with the subject on top of it. jaebum reads it for some seconds, trying his best to remember his classes.

_statistics_ _is a branch of_ _mathematics_ _dealing with the collection, analysis, interpretation, presentation, and organization of_ _data_ _._

“have you texted jackson yet?”

_in applying statistics to a scientific, industrial, or social problem, it is conventional to begin with a_ _statistical population_ _or a_ _statistical model_ _process to be studied._

“mark said he liked you. you should text him”.

“yah! you came here for help with your subject or to ask me about jackson?” his answer sounds aggressive.

“i was just curious. and you don’t need to talk to me like that just because you’re stressed”.

jaebum sighs again. he would beat the guinness world record for the biggest number of sighs in a single weekend anytime now.

“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to. i wanted to go out, but i still have the book and my head’s aching and-“

“don’t worry, you don’t need to explain yourself, i know” jinyoung says. “why don’t you go out to the academy for a while? you don’t need much to finish your book, you can do it when you’re out of danger”.

“no, i really need to finish this first. it’s a matter of sanity” he answers. jinyoung laughs. “too weird for your liking?” he points to the book.

“it’s actually more interesting than i though it’d be. you’d like it, it’s full of those psychological things you like to analyze”.

“i might read it later, then”.

“yah, we diverted from the subject again. c’mon, i still need to know what abraxas means”.

* * *

 

the test goes by swiftly, unlike the rest of the morning. jaebum can’t tell if he’s too nervous because of it, if his memory is too bad to recall his answers or if he was just too sleepy, but he thinks he did well. myeong doesn’t put up a show this time during class – he just collects the summaries and goes on with the subject. jaebum can’t stand looking at his face today, and he doesn’t know if it’s because he’s sleep deprived because of him or if he’s just in a bad mood. he’s dying for the morning to finish so he can go home, fetch his gear and go to the academy.

when the last class finishes, jaebum considers for some seconds texting jinyoung and saying he’s not waiting him like he usually does. the atmosphere of the whole campus is pissing him off in astronomical levels, and he just wants to get away as soon as possible. lucky for him, jinyoung doesn’t take more than five minutes to appear at their usual spot, and they walk back discussing and diving their chores for the week.

“don’t forget my laundry is yours this week. and the next three weeks” jaebum says, mockingly.

jinyoung laughs sarcastically.

“you should be thanking me, not punishing me for getting you a date”.

“are we really discussing this again? he’s not my date, why do you want so much for us to date?”

“because you match” he explains. “he’s too loud and you’re too quiet. he’s shameless and you are ashamed of almost everything. it’s kinda cute”.

“c’mon, don’t pull that cliché shit on me” jaebum huffs. he doesn’t sound mad, just indignant. “i met him yesterday and you’re already planning your wedding. why don’t you date him, then?”

“because i’m already dating mark”.

jaebum suddenly looks at jinyoung with the most surprised face he could possibly make. jinyoung looks like he screwed things up (which he kind of did, after all).

“when were you pretending on telling me this, you little punk?”

“i was... going to wait until things were official” he retorts.

jaebum nods. “my younger brother dating before me, shakespeare would be disappointed at us”. jinyoung laughs.

“shut up”.

* * *

 

jaebum is just about to leave when jinyoung calls him.

“i’m leaving in twenty to the library, so please take your keys if you don’t want to get locked out!”.

jaebum doesn’t answer - he just grabs his keys and leaves. his gear, including his shorts, towel, water bottle, bandages and that old and ripped thing he likes to call gloves are all inside his bag. this time, he’s taking his cellphone. he doesn’t usually do this, but his impulse won the battle against his rationality this time and he decided to take it. _you know, just in case he sees jooheon there._

already inside, he changes and greets coach shin when leaving the showers.

“why didn’t i see you here during the weekend? is everything ok?” he asks.

“sorry, coach, i needed to study and had assignments to finish” jaebum says.

“it’s ok. do you remember that boy you trained with? jooheon? got another fight in two weeks. wanna train with him again?”

jaebum smiles.

“sure”.


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! i hope you're all enjoying this so far... when i post this, be aware that chapter eight is almost done, and expect a lot of fluff coming from it. from now on, most things in italic (despite their texts, but i guess you can tell which is which) are jaebum's thoughts, just so i don't need to tell everytime when he's thinking.
> 
> oh, and thank you so much for everyone who's commenting, it's really amazing to know what y'all are thinking about the story! <3

jaebum takes a breath deeper than usual once he enters the academy. his backpack isn’t that heavy, but he feels it weighting almost a ton over his shoulders. his heart isn’t beating faster, but it’s pace is slightly uneven due to what he sees inside when he crosses the door – or, to be precise, _who_ he sees inside.

he’s sitting with his back facing jaebum, on a plastic chair near the punching bags. jooheon is warming up already – _he’s always so early_ , jaebum thinks; _he really wants to be a better athlete_. jaebum barely looks at anything or anyone else before going straight to the showers, as he usually does, looking at the ground and pretending he’s too busy thinking in anything else rather than just being extremely uncomfortable that people are looking at him while he walks.

the usual ritual is done without much time being taken and – after realizing he really needs to buy new gloves (that aren’t ripped or looking like he’s been using them for six years straight, which he actually is) -, he’s out and ready to train.  jooheon notices the boy on top of the ring, placing his bottle by his corner and nods for jackson to look up. jaebum did notice the wide smile that spread over his face, but he pretended he didn’t – something he does always, more out of unconscious reflex than actual response.

“i didn’t think i’d see you again so early” he hears the boy’s voice, looking up at him while leaning on one of the ropes that protect the ring, near his corner. “why didn’t you text me?”

“sorry, i was... busy” he lies. he actually had an internal crisis the day before trying to decide if he should or not text him and at the end he gave up and went to sleep, trying to forget it.

“oh, it’s ok, i didn’t mean to be nosy, i-”

“don’t worry, it’s fine” jaebum smiles lightly and reassuringly.

“i see you two are getting to know each other” jooheon joins the chat. jaebum feels the familiar heat rise up his cheeks and mentally prays that the usual pink color that creeps up isn’t visible. “finally”.

“what?”

jooheon huffs a laugh. “jackson was gathering courage to-“

“to ask you if you want to come with us to a café after training” jackson cuts him, looking at jooheon like he’s about to go up the ring and strangle the boy with his own bare hands.

“oh” jaebum says. “do you mind if i ask coach shin about it? i don’t know if he wants me to continue here after training or not”.

“it’s fine, if you can’t we can go some other day” jackson is still smiling, but somehow jaebum can tell that him not going upset the boy.

the actual question is: _why?_

* * *

 

“i’m really sorry, coach wants me to train another one of the boys from the team. i really wanted to go, but i can’t” jaebum says, in a rather sad tone. jaebum isn’t the kind to go out with people out of free will – but something inside him wanted so much to go out with them, and he can’t tell if he’s just curious or if there’s something he can’t name yet. he smiles weakly. “when are you coming here again? we can go then”.

jackson looks up at jaebum with a rather shinier smile. “i can come tomorrow if you’re free”.

“hm, tomorrow i agreed i’d help my friends to finish one or your class projects” he explains. “but i’m free on thursday – but i’m not coming here”.

“i can text you the place and we meet there. but i need your number first”.

jaebum’s heart skips a beat this time. _what the actual fuck is going on? control your fucking nerves, jaebum_.

“i... i can mark it to you-“

“why don’t you text me? you already have my number. you didn’t loose it, did you?”

“no! i’d never”. _what? why the fuck did you say that?_

“great, so i’ll be waiting for it” the boy smiles. “see you on thursday, then”.

_is this a date? oh fuck._

* * *

 

after another internal crisis wondering if he should or should not text jackson right after coming back from training – if it would seem to desperate, or too weird, or if he was busy and texting would bother him – he plops onto bed, face down and now buried into his pillow.

“why are you thinking so much? just do it and wait. sometimes you think too much and miss opportunities” jinyoung’s voice rings from out of his room, coming closer.

“i’d rather loose the opportunity of bothering him and making him hate me, thank you very much” his voice comes out muffled by the pillow, but jinyoung can understand him nevertheless.

jinyoung sighs. “jackson? hating you? he’d probably stop whatever he was doing to talk to you. jackson’s not like the usual people we’ve met – and you know that”.

“what? he gets up in a swift move, looking at his friend whom is now leaning against the doorframe and looking down at the anxious and worried mess that jaebum is right now.

“jackson’s different. i know him, c’mon – he’s my boyfriend’s younger brother” jaebum frowns at jinyoung’s remark. “ok, they’re not blood brothers, but neither are we. you trusted me when i told you the meet-up on friday would be fun – and it was. trust me again. text him”.

“what do they teach you in your classes? influencing 101?”

“shut up and text him” jinyoung says, holding in his laugh.

jaebum now lays down on his back, looking at the ceiling and sinking into the mattress, hoping it would suck him in like quicksand and he would escape from that whole situation.

“what should i even say? i don’t talk to people, it’s not like i know how to text them”.

“what about a hi? let him know it’s you. nothing too formal neither too show-offish. just be yourself”.

jaebum reaches for his phone under his pillow while a huff escapes his lips. he unlocks it and opens the message app. he finds jackson’s contact in the middle of the few ones he has and opens the chat. he types his first try and doesn’t hit end, rereading it at least four times  - and checking for typing mistakes or things to change – before, with his stomach slightly aching again, hitting send.

 **_defjb:_ ** _hi there, it’s jaebum... just texting so you can send me the café’s address._

_it sounds too formal, doesn’t it? shit, i didn’t mean for it to be too formal. i suck at everything._

“what did you say?” jinyoung comes back, the laundry basket hanging between his arms.

jaebum reads it out loud. “it sounds too formal. would it make much of a difference if i jumped out of the window?”

“wait and see what he answers. then you can think about the window”.

his phone rings with the notification right after.

**_jflawless:_ ** _hi :) the address is delphinium lane, 234... see you there at 3?_

jaebum screams internally for a couple of seconds. jaebum and jinyoung's building is in delphinium lane, number 232. so apparently, jackson wants them to meet at the café under his building.

“why are you so quiet? please tell me you’re not opening the window” jinyoung shouts over the sound of the washing machine on.

“the café he wants us to meet. it’s youngjae’s café”.

“well, great! you won’t be late, then. when he wants you to meet?”

“at three”.

“and you’re saying yes, right?”

jaebum doesn’t answer. he just types and hits send, not looking at his phone again for the rest of the night.

 ** _defjb:_** _ok, see you at three :)_


	8. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jackson smiles, still apologetic, observing the boy in front of him. indeed, he was absolutely screwed.

there are a few things jaebum completely hates in this world.

the first one is the hot weather. feeling hot is something he completely despises and avoids as much as possible – and that’s one of the reasons why he spent some of the money he earned working during his vacation with an air-conditioner for his room. being in too hot places messes with his health, and that usually ends up with him fainting or having a pressure drop that almost leads to it. _heads up to his fucked up  health._

the second one is nosy people. most of the time, he doesn’t really mind them – but some tend to pull him onto the edge. he values his privacy most of all things, and absolutely hates when people pry onto his things or don’t respect his personal space.

the third one, but not least hated, is waiting. of course he never states it out loud – just like he doesn’t complain about the other two to no one but himself -, but waiting for things or in places make him impatient and anxious, and sometimes that doesn’t end well. he also avoids situations where he has to wait a lot, because being anxious when one as anxiety issues is definitely something to be avoided.

this time, he can’t run away from waiting this time – he was the one who decided to come down a little (a lot) before three to wait. he can’t even say he won’t go, because he didn’t want to see jackson with that upset expression he saw two days ago at the academy. he’s been asking himself why he cares so much with how this boy he just met feels – and couldn’t get a single answer. part of him is sure it’s just because he’s being polite, and that not making people sad or letting them down is one of his main directives.

but still, there’s that little feeling on the pit of his stomach that aches when he thinks about letting jackson down, and that he’s only felt once in his life. but of course, he’d never admit that to either himself or anyone else, because that meant admitting he had feelings for jackson, and he wasn’t ready for that yet.

shoes colliding against the cement make the boy blink harder and look up, finding a smile and, right after, a boy dressed in hoodie and jeans. his hair is visible this time, the blonde strands let down and hiding his forehead.

“did i make you wait?”

“um, no” jaebum answers, still taken aback by how jackson looked. “i... i live upstairs” he says, pointing up to the building on top of the café.

“really?! that must be so cool!” jackson’s voice sounds like the one of a four-year-old, excited and happy. “you come here often, then?” he opens up the door and signs for jaebum to get in first.

“yeah, kind of” he answers, looking a little back to see if jackson’s coming in behind him. when he sees the boy closing the door, he waits so both can go to the booth jaebum usually sits in, almost at the back. “youngjae lets me study here sometimes, because no one never sits here”.

“wouldn’t the library be a better place for studying?” both boys sit, jaebum facing the door and jackson on the other side of the table, facing him.

“i go there sometimes, too. i just... sometimes it gets too boring”.

jackson makes a face of _yeah, it’s understandable_ and looks down at the closed menus at the corner of the table. he pushes one and opens it, looking at its content while jaebum focuses on the cover. he knows almost every single order in there, so there’s no reason on seeing it again.

“i might need your help” jackson says, and jaebum looks up at him. looking at his eyes was still something a little too uncomfortable, so jaebum pays attention to his mouth and voice the most. “i have absolutely no idea what to order. everything sounds delicious” he says, with a funny smile. jaebum laughs lightly.

“what do you want to try?”

“which one’s your favorite?”

jaebum takes a little to process the question and think about it. he doesn’t notice it, but jackson sees how the boy straightens his jaw and slightly closes his lids, not completely, but giving the sensation he really is thinking. it’s an adorable scene, jackson has to admit.

“i don’t know. i drink what i feel up to” he explains. just like most things in jaebum’s life, most of his actions depend of his mood. and what he orders in a café is definitely one of those.

“and what are you feeling up to today?” jackson asks again.

“i don’t know... a double with cream?”

“great. i’ll have the same”.

“have i heard it right?” youngjae appears near their table, paper and pen in hand and a cute bright smile he always has whenever he talks to his clients. he still has his apron on, and it’s slightly marked with flour. “two doubles with cream?”

“yes, please. do you want to eat something?” jackson turns to jaebum. the boys nods a no. “i want the basket with cookies, please”.

“small, medium or large?”

“medium”.

“ok, i’ll be back with both in a couple of minutes” he bows slightly and leaves both boys alone again.

“so, how are things going at the academy? who was the dude you trained with after jooheon?”

“oh, that was sehun. he’s trying something at the official league, like jooheon” jaebum explains. “if both succeed, they’ll end up against one another in one of the semifinals”.

“do you usually watch their fights?”

“not usually, no. i know the results by coach shin, most of the time. the only time i watch the fights are at the finals. if there’s someone from the academy, which usually there is, it’s only then”.

jaebum wonders for a split second if he should ask something. _just do it and wait; sometimes you think too much and miss opportunities_.

“what about you? how are the fencing competitions usually?” he asks, trying to sound as calm as possible when actually the question formed itself while he spoke it and he had absolutely no idea what would come from it.

jackson smiles. “it’s stressing, but most of the time it’s worth it. bringing the trophies back tends to be the best part” he says, making jaebum laugh again. “but really, it’s totally worth it. i’ve learned so much during this four years, i don’t even know where i’d be now if i wasn’t a fencer” he explains.

“it looks so different from boxing”.

“it is, a little. but they are a little alike, too, at least from what i know about boxing”.

“yeah. i also don’t know much about fencing either, you’re actually the first fencer i’ve ever met”.

“really?” jackson’s eyes widen and his lips mold a smile. “what a pleasure”.

there’s a small silence between, but only for a short amount of seconds, because youngjae arrives with their mugs and jackson’s cookies. their orders are placed over the table and jaebum is the first to try his. it smells and tastes like heaven, as usual.

“this is amazing, i’ve never had a coffee like this!” jaebum looks up to find jackson amazed at the order, looking again like a small kid. it’s kinda cute.

“youngjae’s coffee has always been my favorite, ever since i moved here” he says, under jackson’s stare.

“and you moved here...?”

“three years ago. i first came here on my first day of classes at college. it was by far my best decision on that day”.

jackson laughs. “tell me about it. my first day of classes was awful, i wanted to run away as soon as possible”.

_well, i had an anxiety attack. awesome, right?_

jaebum sips from his cup again and watches while jackson eats his first cookie. “oh c’mon, even the cookies are amazing! i must be dead and this is heaven” jaebum laughs harder, bowing his head down a little and hiding his mouth with his free hand.

“don’t do that” jackson says. jaebum suddenly looks up.

“what?”

“don’t cover your mouth when you laugh. you smile is beautiful”.

jaebum spends most of the silent moment after that thinking about what jackson said. _he’s probably just being polite, shut up and stop building hope over everything, jaebum._ he is absolutely sure his face is turning into that shade of pink he tried so hard to hide when they met at the academy on tuesday – he can feel the heat creeping up, but this time it’s stronger and it’s probably making him turn into a pink ball of shyness.

“can i ask you something? i don’t know if it’s too personal and i don’t want to sound like i’m trying too hard, but i’m really curious. you don’t need to answer of you don’t want to” jackson looks a little more serious this time and jaebum puts his mug down and looks at the boy with almost the same expression. that usual feeling on the pit of his stomach intensifies.

“is there a reason why you’re always so quiet? i don’t know, you always look so lost in your own thoughts, so... is introspective the right word?”

“yeah, i think you can say that” jaebum answers. “and don’t worry, i know you don’t mean nothing other than curiousness. it’s just that i... don’t feel the need to be talkative all the time. especially around most people” he explains. “it’s nothing other than that, i’m a little too introspective, i guess”.

_and i don’t want people thinking i want their attention. or to make them uncomfortable. or thinking i’m weird. or just hating me because of what i think._

“back at the bar on friday, you looked a little... unconfortable”.

“i’m just not used to going out. i prefer staying at home, away from the crowds”.

jackson freezes. “oh god, was it too bad that i invited you to come out here? i didn’t know-“ his eyes open wide in realization, an apologetic expression over his features.

“oh no, no” jaebum calms him down. “i’m used with here, and people don’t usually come and bother me while here. so no, it wasn’t bad - it was actually the best choice you could have, i don’t think i’d be comfortable someplace else”.

jackson smiles, still apologetic, observing the boy in front of him. _indeed, he was absolutely screwed._


	9. nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> breathe calmly with me. you’ll be ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!
> 
> first, i want to forgive myself for not being able to post this weekend. i had some personal problems and also due to my classes starting again yesterday, i wasn't able to finish and post this chapter earlier. i'll do my best to continue updating as soon as possible, but i can't promise it'll be everyday. maybe once or twice a week, tops.
> 
> i also wanted to warn those who are reading this specific chapter and may be triggered by subjects such as homophobia and family issues, because these are depicted here and i really don't want to cause harm to any of you.
> 
> i hope you enjoy this. again, thank you for reading!

_im’s household, seven years ago._

 

the house smells like recently-made food and gunpowder. the only lit room is the kitchen, but the tv barely illuminates the living room. jaebum is sat at the dining table, a small notebook in front of him along with a physics book. he looks at it and reads attentively, trying to understand what, inside his head, seems impossible to assimilate. his brain scrambles words and numbers at its own will, and jaebum rubs his eyes for the forth time, trying to focus again before starting to read from the beginning again. his mother is working on dinner by the stove, mixing recently-chopped ingredients and placing them inside the pan after looking at her son with a proud but still worried stare. he looks concentrated, but her, as a mother, knows about his difficulties and has always tried her best to help him, like a mother should.

he does notice her stare burning holes in his head, but he does his best to ignore it. it’s only one more distraction that keeps him from understanding the subject – and he has one week to be almost a phd in it before the test, otherwise his dad would kill him. the smell of gunpowder that surrounds the house is his appa’s fault, too. his working uniform smells like that, and he comes home with it every single day. the couch has that intoxicating smell where he usually sits, right in front of the television; just like the chair he uses to seat at the dinning table. dad’s very proud of his job.

“jaebum, come here” the man calls him, and jaebum feels as if an ice cube ran up and down his spine, causing him to shiver a little and stumble onto his words when his dad is looking at him or near him. the boy, in the glory of his 16 years of age, walks towards his father and, when he signals for the boy to sit by him, he does without even thinking about it. “are you studying?” his voice is severe, as it has always been.

“yes, appa” he says, trying his best to not stumble upon his own words.

“what are you studying?”

“physics”.

“are you going to be a physicist?”

“no, appa” the boy says. he knows he shouldn’t say what he really wants to do – mainly because his dad hates the idea of his son being anything besides what he has always been: a police officer. jaebum doesn’t really know why his father is so keen to the idea of his son being exactly like him, but he thinks it has something to do with ‘being respected and a right man’, in the man’s own words – and this pisses him off more than anything, because _who the hell does this to his own son?_ jaebum knows he shouldn’t say anything, he doesn’t want to cause another fight – he hates conflict; but there’s a little part inside of him that still wants to fight for his dream, no matter the consequences. he fights this side every time his father stars this cop rubbish, but this time he’s _so fucking fed up with this shit_ he wants to scream while the man speaks the next words.

“great. i already talked to the chief. you’re going to study with his son for the academy test – just like i did when i was your age. you’re going to be just like me, son; a respected man”.

“dad, i-“ he tries, gulping silently right after.  _shit_.

“what? are you going to question me again, jaebum?”

“no, i just-“

“are you going to start with that nonsense again? we already talked about this” he frowns and looks at jaebum like he made something awfully wrong, making jaebum flinch a little. “nothing of this gay cinema shit” he says, and jaebum opens his mouth and tries to answer but the man cuts him and continues to talk. “you’re not rich, and neither a sissy. you’re going to be a military man, like me”.

“but dad-“ he pleads.

“shut up, jaebum. you’re doing what i tell you, you’re my son and i know what’s best for you! this is all your fault, isn’t it yongsun?” he shouts, in a voice that makes the boy beside him close his eyes. jaebum’s shoulders tense and blames himself mentally for bringing this shit up again. _awesome idea, you stupid shit; now they’re fighting again because you’re too selfish to_ _simply shut_ _up. happy now?_

his mother leaves the kitchen and walks to the living room, to hear what that piece of shit of a husband she had wanted to say. “what?”

“you’re the one telling him he can be this kind of shit, aren’t you? it’s always your fault; first were those stupid medicines we bought for him – that shit i spend my fucking salary on because he can’t man up and control his fucking hormones. and now this cinema shit again?”

“oh, shut up, hoseok – you should support your son, and not make him feel like shit. he already has a million problems, he doesn’t need a problematic father like you” yongsun spits back, as harsh as him. jaebum completely despises the idea of seeing their parents fight because of him, but one thing he always admires is his mother’s courage to speak her mind when most mothers would simply agree and comply in silence. “i don’t know why don’t you just accept that he has a dream and wants to follow it. at least you would be a better father doing it”.

“i am the best father he could ever have! stop acting like you do much for him either, you just encourage him to be more weak than he already is. look at him! he can’t even control himself, it’s _ridiculous_. and if you don’t want me here, i might as well fucking leave your disrespectful ass and this shit of a son i have” he says even louder and harsher, getting up.

jaebum’s eyes are already teary, and he feels that awful thing rising in his stomach again and making his heart beat as fast as possible. his hands are closed poorly around the couch’s fabric, giving him some sense of reality while the rest swirls inside his head. he can barely hear things around him after his father started swearing at his eomma, and his lungs lack so much air he breathes louder and louder, trying to supply it. everything has suddenly gone so wrong he can barely think straight and his muscles ache a little from the tension. he doesn’t notice when his father closes the door abruptly after leaving, he doesn’t notice his mother’s crying whines when she notices his situation. he only sees her when she kneels in front of him, covering his hands with her own and trying to talk to him in a sweet tone, despite her broken voice.

“honey, i’m here, please listen to my voice. everything’s going to be ok, just do as i say, okay? you need to breathe slowly. it’ll be fine, eomma’s here to help you”.

he listens to her voice now, still too muffled by everything going on inside his mind, but he can hear it. that’s what she’s been doing when this happens – she talks to him, holding his hands and reassuring him with words. _it’s the only thing she can do_.

“breathe calmly with me. you’ll be ok”.


	10. ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i can't stay here anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi there! i'm here again. it took me ages to finish this chapter because it never got in the way i wanted it to, so i took some more time to post it. it's long af, but i hope you don't mind. just like the last one, it has mentions of panic attacks - so if you're triggered by it, please don't read. just wait for the next one.
> 
> i hope you like it!

jackson already knows some things about jaebum.

he doesn’t know much – they’ve only talked two or three times, and jaebum isn’t exactly the most open person in the world. he knows the boy was born and raised in seoul, and is one year older than him. he knows from mark that him and jinyoung grew up together, and that’s one of the main reasons why they live together and tend to be careful over one another.

he knows jaebum’s favorite color is blue. he likes coffee and prefers his room over most places in the world. jackson also learned jaebum is completely passionate about his major. after he asked the boy why he was so in love with cinema, back at the bar, he could see a fain glint at the boys eyes, and a look of complete adoration adorned his face while he explained it – with few words, but with so much meaning. there was so much passion in them, it was truly _beautiful_ , definitely a scene jackson will never forget.

and after that, when they discussed boxing back at the café, jaebum also seemed so passionate about it, as if the sport really was his life. that is one of the reasons why jackson has such an interest in the boy – he’s silent and observant most of the time, rarely talks about anything; but when you mention something he really likes, he shows who he really is. he’s kind, passionate and  just wants to be a better person.

he looks like a formless thing, that is always changing and morphing into something different, usually at light-speed – even though he doesn’t look like he is, most of the time. that intrigues him – how someone can look so common and keep doing the exact same things all the time but have so many different sides and passions at the same time.

there was this thing that clicked the first time they chatted, and it didn’t take jackson more than twenty minutes talking to the boy to be completely hypnotized by him. call it whatever you want – fate, magic, chemistry; jackson himself doesn’t have a name for it.

but, right now, he’s just so fucking scared for the boy. he’s looking from afar, silent and worried while the scene unfolds in front of him.

“please jaebum, breathe with me. c’mon, you know how to do it, you’ll be ok” jinyoung’s voice rings at jaebum’s head, pushed to the far back by the hurricane running inside his mind.

it’s the worst case scenario – he’s in the middle of a restaurant surrounded by people he doesn’t know and are probably looking at him with that same look his dad used when shit like this happened; as if he was the worst thing that could’ve ever happened in the world. his muscles are aching and his hands can’t even hold on to the sides of the chair he’s sitting on, shaking and sweating. his mind is confused and he doesn’t even realize what’s in front of him – jinyoung’s face, looking at him in pure concern and trying desperately to calm him down.

the day was going perfectly well until then – the morning was quiet, no sight of any problem coming in jaebum’s direction. he agreed to meet yugyeom and hyejin to finish the project they started two weeks ago and would be able to rest for the night, as the next test was a month from now. it was actually perfect, as if nothing could shake his mood.

he was supposed to meet jinyoung in their usual place. his only surprise was to arrive there and see mark and jackson with him - and realize that meant _they were coming for lunch too._ he’d be lying if he said it didn’t freak him out a bit – being thrown at social situations like this without proper warning was something that brought him a certain uneasiness. but of course he would never say it or object their presence – mainly because that was extremely rude. so he complied with a soft smile, trying to best to push that weird feeling aside.

they went to the same restaurant, and jaebum ordered the same thing he always does. mark and jinyoung were quick enough to drown in their own world after ordering, just like they usually do – at least according to jackson.

“you’re really lucky you don’t see them together that often. it’s pretty annoying” jackson says, making the older laugh.

“well, they’re happy. it’s enough” he answers.

jackson smiles at him. “they do make a cute couple, i’ll give you that. mark looks so happy with him” he says, hiding his mouth from the boys with his hand, as if they really were paying attention to anything except one another. “it’s nice to see my hyung like that”.

“jinyoung has complained less about life after he met mark. that has to mean something” jaebum answers, and jackson giggles.

suddenly, there’s that one second jaebum feels like he’s out of his body, and for a moment he doesn’t know if he’s actually sitting at the table, watching jackson’s smiley features – or if that’s all a weird dream, that, without previous warning, froze in front of him. he looks to the side and his vision doesn’t help him, blurring the image and now he only sees pools of colors of what should be jinyoung. by then, his heart is already racing like he has been running for the past hour and his hands are starting to sweat.

_oh, fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck._

by the time jackson asks if he’s okay, he’s not listening anymore. there is a silent but loud noise inside his head. he takes time to acknowledge jinyoung’s presence looking at him, holding his hands and doing the same thing his eomma has done for him countless times, trying slowly to ease his desperate uneven breathing and clear the dark clouds in his mind. jinyoung repeats the same things over and over again; _breathe calmly_ , _you’ll be okay_ , _i’m here for you_ , _pay attention to my voice_.

this time, they don’t seem to be working like they usually do.

instead of helping, they only seem to make jaebum worse. jinyoung’s getting desperate too – not by the crisis itself, but the intensity of it. jaebum rarely has those, the last strong attack was almost six months ago; the medicines were supposed to prevent him from having those, but apparently they’re not being effective. jackson and mark don’t really know what to do, looking at each other and at the boys. jinyoung has crouched in front of the boy’s chair, while jaebum’s back is curved forward and he’s looking at his own hands. at his point, jackson doubts jaebum is actually seeing anything.

jackson and mark are lost in the situation – they don’t know if they should help, or if making something could worsen the boys’ state, if they should stay or leave, if they should do anything or nothing at all. mark looks worried, but in jackson’s face you can see pure _fear_. not of the situation – he would never be afraid of such situation; but he’s afraid for jaebum. he wants it to stop, he wants jaebum to smile again. and something is eating him from the inside – because he’s just sitting there, watching a friend get worse. _he can’t just stay there._

he looks reluctant while he gets up and walks towards jinyoung, looking down at the boy as if asking if he can help. jinyoung’s stare screams desperateness when he acknowledges the boys’ presence and he looks up, and jackson’s heart breaks once more at the scene. the youngest complies to the silent plead and gives space for jackson to crouch in front of jaebum, who seems to be still lost.

from there, jackson can see the boy’s red and teary eyes, and how lost they look. he can see the way he’s breathing through his mouth, trying to steady his own heartbeat and fill his lungs with air that seems to never reach their destination. jackson links their hands and looks at him with the sweetest smile he can form.

“jaebum – it’s me, jackson. please, listen to me. i’m here, please don’t be scared. just focus on calming down. take your time” he says. “stay with me. breathe”.

jaebum does hear his voice. at first, it looks like jackson is miles away, and he hears only a tiny voice in the back of his head. slowly, it gets closer and he can understand the boy properly. the only word he hears clearly is ‘breathe’. and he complies, just like he was trying to do before. this time, it really works – the air doesn’t seem to hurt his throat after some time, and he can’t tell how many time it has been - but he’s getting better. it wasn’t jackson’s fault – it could’ve been anyone there, helping him; but the way he spoke, the words, the tone, the calmness and the smile, those were the ones that really helped.

that is, until he realized what had really happened.

his vision is back to normal and he can look up again, still a little dizzy but not paralyzed anymore. he takes some seconds to process the whole situation – jinyoung looking at him, jackson in front of him, mark to his left. he’s still inside the restaurant and everyone seems to be looking at him, as if somehow the world revolved around him; as if he was a freak.

_you can’t control yourself. you’re weak. you’re not enough._

he looks at their table again. mark’s looking at him with a smile. he looks down and sees his hands and jackson’s together while the boy looks at him with an expectant expression. this is when he realizes – _they have seen the whole scene_. this scares him to no end, and suddenly the lost expression he had is replaced by one in complete affright.

_what will they think of me now? they probably think i’m a piece of shit. i should’ve went back home when i had the chance. i can’t stay here anymore._

completely out of unconscious response, he gets up, letting go of jackson’s hands in an aggressive motion, while his legs stagger to take him to the restaurant’s door. his lungs are lacking air again - but this time he’s scared of the closed space, of the walls around him. he feels as if all the stares toward him burn holes over his whole body, carving into his skin and stinging his soul. he pushes the door and continues his dizzy walk quicker towards the only safe place he knows and leaving everything else behind.

_i can’t stay here anymore._


	11. eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but despite all this, the thing that worries him the most is why jackson is soaking his porch and looking at him like the world is about to end.

the days have been as gray as the pavement. it’s wednesday – that is, five days after the incident. jaebum hasn’t attended class for the past three days, even though he knows staying at home is as useless as going. he feels bad as each second passes, guilt eating him from the inside and making it ache more than it already did; truth is, he didn’t want to go because he was afraid. afraid of the stares, afraid of the world looking down at him and saying everything he has already heard before, but would do anything in his power to never hear again.

_look at him! he can’t even control himself, it’s ridiculous._

that’s what they all do. they look at him as if he was the defective toy he was always told he was. they point their fingers to his face and say all things he has heard before – that he was just being a needy baby, faking all those stupid crisis just to fill the constant need for attention he has always had. and, even though he had heard them thousands of times, they still hurt him like the first time. the pain in his chest grows every time he tries to breathe or whenever his mind makes the favor or reminding him of what happened. every time he tries to feel better, tries to push the thoughts aside, they flood back into him, breaking like strong waves and drowning him again. 

he cried himself to sleep that afternoon, keeping his room’s door locked for good and the windows closed too. he heard when jinyoung arrived and the sound of the keys clicking stirred him awake. he didn’t make much of it, even if he didn’t knew if jinyoung would want to talk to him or not. he didn’t, jaebum heard when his footsteps walked towards his room and the loud thud that meant he was laying in his bed.

staying inside seemed like the best option for the weekend. he regained contact with jinyoung at satuday night, when he first left his room for something to eat. jinyoung was lying on the couch, eating ramyeon.

“i made some for you too, if you want” he said, a little surprised to see his friend’s face but with a kind tone.

“thank you” jaebum’s voice sounds weak, just like his whole body. he hadn’t eaten since friday morning, and drank only the water he had in his bottle, inside the room. he looked pale under the tv lights – that is, paler than he already is, like he was sick and needed urgently medical help. the round circles around his eyes were deep and dark and his mouth was the exact color of the rest of his face: white.

the words they needed to say to each other didn’t weight much while they were in the same space, especially because jaebum got the ramyeon and went back into his room.

after that, they started talking the usual around monday morning, when he woke up for another dose of food while jinyoung was getting ready for class.

“do you want me to bring you something from youngjae’s café?”

“no, i’m... i’m fine” he answers, stuffing some more food into his mouth.

there’s more silence.

“jaebum, can i ask you something?”

the boy looks up.

“please, don’t stay inside your room all day. it feels like i don’t even have a roommate anymore” jinyoung pulls his hoodie up his arms, closing the zipper. “please, do it for me. you don’t need to leave the apartment, just don’t lock yourself again”.

jaebum doesn’t answer, but complies. when jinyoung arrives in the afternoon, jaebum’s doing his laundry and listening to music. jinyoung smiles.

* * *

 

he doesn’t hear when the someone knocks at his door the first time. he just realizes there’s a guest when the doorbell rings. _it’s probably just jinyoung. i thought i had left the door open for him_.

 _it’s not jinyoung_. when the door opens and he starts saying things and finally looks up, he realizes that.

“you could have-“

the boy on the other side is completely soaked and out of breath. jaebum hadn’t realized it was raining – just when he hears the thunder outside, muffled by his walls and probably his own mind. but despite all this, the thing that worries him the most is _why jackson is soaking his porch and looking at him like the world is about to end._

“please, don’t make me go away. we really need to talk. can i get in?” he says, breathing in in between sentences.

“you...” jaebum is still in shock, barely making his own sentences. when he notices the silence and that it’s because jackson’s waiting his answer, his mouth says something. “yeah, please”.

while jackson gets in, jaebum instinctively runs to his room for a towel. he doesn’t know why he’s being so desperate and worried, but he can tell there’s something to do with his unconscious response when he realized jackson could catch a cold with those wet clothes. besides, he can’t stay inside and keep staining his carpet and furniture like he already is.

he grabs a clean towel and some of his clothes and gives them to jackson, who’s looking at him with a confused face. “the bathroom’s the first door on the left”.

“but i just-“

“you don’t want to catch a cold, do you? just go. we can talk after”.

in the meanwhile, jaebum is sat at the couch, wondering why on earth would jackson run a marathon in the rain just to talk to him. of course he knows it’s about what happened – he’s not that dumb; but why would he bother doing all this? it’s not like they couldn’t talk another day, when jaebum wasn’t looking like a zombie who had just come out of its grave.

just then he starts to analyze the whole situation. _jackson’s here_. he wants to talk. jaebum was reacting like that was really trivial – but it’s a big fucking deal, especially after what happened. his brain got so worried with the possibility of jackson getting sick because of him he barely realized the whole picture.

every cell of his body is now screaming for help – he doesn’t want to talk, especially after _that_. everything he wanted was being alone, resting, recovering from the excess of stress the whole thing put him under. but now, thanks to his shitty multitasking that put _taking care of jackson_ over _resting and getting better_ that now he has to deal with another situation he didn’t want to.

the sound of the bathroom’s doorknob turning pulled him out of his thoughts, while he look expectantly to the corridor jackson should come from now. he does, a few footsteps after; dressed in jaebum’s favorite black sweatpants and a gray loose t-shirt. he keeps silent while jackson looks at him and smiles apologetically. “sorry for all of this, i didn’t mean to cause you any trouble. and thank you for the clothes”.

“it’s fine, no trouble”.

“so, i...” he sighs out loud. “i came here to apologize”.

there a small second between jaebum processing jackson's words and his expression changing completely. “what?”

“jinyoung told me what happened to you. i didn’t know about it, i just wanted to help” he says. “i... couldn’t just leave you there, and when you got better i was so fucking relieved. but suddenly you ran away and i realized i had messed up and-”.

“jackson, calm down” jaebum cuts him this time. jackson’s mouth closes shut. “you did nothing wrong, what are you talking about?”

jackson looks quizzed. he sits down by the boy. “i thought you had ran away because i was there”.

jaebum bites his tongue before answering, letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. part of him knows he left exactly because of that, but the other part knows it was not. _it’s complicated._ he wants to tell him the whole truth, but he’s afraid jackson might not understand him – as it so often happens.

“jackson, i...” he stops once more. “you said jinyoung told you what happened?”

he nods a _yes_.

“so he probably mentioned what tends to happen when... _this_ happens while i’m outside?”

he nods a _no_.

jaebum sighs. “i’m not used to going out - you know that. and i’m not exactly fond of when breakdowns happen at a full restaurant while _everyone_ judges me by something i can’t control”.

jackson’s eyes suddenly go blank. jaebum knows he’s about to say something, so he just looks at him and waits.

“i wasn’t”.

“i’m used to- what?”

“what what?”

“what did you just say?”

there’s a two seconds silence between them before jackson answers him. “i wasn’t judging you. neither mark. and jinyoung was probably so worried about you the only thing he was judging was his own ability to help”.

it’s jaebum’s time to close his mouth shut. by his lost complexion, jackson knows it’s time to make things clear.

 “you thought i would judge you for this? c’mon, what kind of awful friend would i be if i did that?”

jaebum looks even more shocked. it’s a strange sensation, this new one; looks like the puzzle he has always built has just been rearranged – this time the image looks even clearer, and the heavy weight he bared was just pulled out of his shoulders. his heart runs a marathon and ends up in his throat when he listens jackson’s response.

_are they friends?_

“i would never do that to you, jaebum. it wouldn’t be fair neither right. i came here because i couldn’t stand the idea of seeing you mad at me for something, i...“

“you don’t need to worry. it was... the walls started closing and i couldn’t breathe and i didn’t want it to happen again in there and-“

“it’s ok, you don’t need to remember those, they’re bad memories”.

silence falls between them. as it starts to get awkward, jaebum takes some of the courage he still thinks he has to open his mouth again.

“i’m sorry. for making you think it was your fault. i was so scared of what you would think of me after seeing that whole scene and what everyone else would say, i... i couldn’t stand being in there. i’m sorry for not thanking you, too. you helped me, i’m the one who should be sorry for being a coward”.

“i know you didn’t mean i. i’d never, ever do that – i mean it. you’re an amazing person jaebum, you already have so much on your mind you shouldn’t have to bear that guilt as well. and i like you, like a lot; you’re probably the first actual friend despite mark i have here. i want you to trust me as much as i want to trust you. can we please forget all this and be friends again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!
> 
> i'm really really sorry for not being able to post this before. i was so overloaded with my classes and i didn't want to write something bad (well, worse than it already is) bc i really like this story. i really hope you enjoy this - we're almost at the end. 
> 
> thank you again for reading, ily! <3


	12. twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jackson laughs, smiling after. jaebum is such a nice guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't yell @ me for not updating earlier, i swear i wanted but i didn't have the time neither the inspiration to finish this. it's not the best chapter in the world, but i hope you enjoy it! we're almost at the end, there are only 1 more chapter to go.
> 
> thanks for reading! i hope you enjoy it :)

the match is tight. jooheon is sweating more than ever, sitting in his corner with coach shin by his side and speaking something neither jaebum neither jackson can hear from where they’re sitting. jaebum can see sehun on the other side of the ring, with the college’s boxing coach by him. the one minute break is about to end, and both of them are trying to regain strength to end the next round a little closer from victory.

“who are you betting on?” jackson asks, speaking louder for jaebum to hear over the cacophony of voices screaming and speaking around them. his mouth is near the boy’s ear, but jaebum doesn’t realize it yet.

“i don’t know” only when he notices he has to do the same thing for jackson to hear him, he understands the proximity of the boy, making him shiver a little. he ignores it, for the sake of his sanity and pride. “they both have chances to win. and i have trained them both, i can’t choose between two colleagues”.

jackson laughs, smiling after. jaebum is such a nice guy.

the break ends and both boys are back at the center. more three minutes until it ends. there are, along with this one, two rounds until the bout is ended. if neither of them win by knockout, the judges will be the ones to decide. jaebum, for the sake and health of both boys, hopes this is what happens -  he’d hate to see either of them knocked down on the ring.

jaebum observes the match in an almost solemn silence. he’s really paying attention to it, jackson can tell by the way he’s frowning and by how his eyes dart from sehun’s gloved hands to his feet, than to jooheon’s hands and feet, and going back to sehun. he does that a lot. he’s concentrated in the way they move, in how they apply the jabs, in how they defend themselves. jackson can see the love he has for the sport – something he can compare with how in love he is with fencing as a whole.

three minutes go by in a hurry, and again they split. jaebum knows by his look shin is telling jooheon to be more offensive, but not too much, because he can earn points and now that’s safer than going for it and maybe loosing by k.o. in the last round. jooheon is nodding positively at him, drinking water. his face has some blood on, but so does sehun’s. the uni’s coach is probably telling sehun to do the same – both men know boxing like few, so they are very aware that boxing is not a show-off match; it’s the technique that really counts.

“go jooheon! you can do this!” jackson suddenly gets up and shouts, scaring jaebum out of his thoughts and making him slightly jump. he looks up at the younger with a questioning expression, as if saying _what the fuck are you doing?_. “oh c’mon, just because you don’t want to be biased doesn’t mean i can’t be” he answers jaebum’s look, making him laugh.

when the bell rings and the last bout starts, jaebum is at maximum tension. he feels funny, it’s not his match for him to be so nervous – but he is nevertheless, because he has always been like that; a magnet to foreign stress and nervousness. he breathes calmly and pays attention again in the movements, trying to get that bad shit out of his shoulders. that’s part of the reason why he’s usually so quiet, too - it's not because he wants to be, but because he can't be anything else when he's under stress.

he barely hears the sound of the bell, signaling the end of the bout. he comes out of his little world when jackson gets up by his side, trying to see while everyone is also standing to watch the judges' decision. he blinks faster and straightens his spine just to focus his eyes on both boys at the center of the ring, about ten meters away from him.

"it's a tie!" the judge says, in an enthusiastic voice. "so, now it's up to the judges!" he keeps the happy voice, pointing down to the three judges sitting at a table outside the fight area, with a perfect vision of the whole ring and, therefore, having the best perception of the match. they look a little too austere, but jaebum knows it's just a scene. it always is.

the first judge reaches for one of the two small flags in front of him. it takes jaebum less than a second to realize the color of it and contabilize the point the man has just given to jooheon.

so far, jooheon 1 x 0 sehun.

jackson cheers by his side when he notices it, raising his arms and screaming. he looks completely ecstatic, like there's some sort of electricity in the air and it's crawling into his lungs and running over and over his veins, making him smiley and cheery and overall happy. it's a funny scene, but jaebum's heart beats contentedly at it, as if seeing jackson so happy makes him happy too.

when the crowd settles down again, the second judge raises his flag. there's people cheering again, but this time it's not for jooheon. jaebum claps just like he did the first time, and now jackson's kinda sulky but clapping along.

jooheon 1 x 1 sehun.

it's the last judge's turn, and jackson's fiddling in his seat and playing with the ticket in his hand. jaebum sees it and partly understands his friend's nervousness, but deep inside it’s so adorable jaebum can’t help but slightly smile. the electricity that filled the grandstand has been replaced by a thick air, as tense as it was during the last round.

this time, he takes more than a second to realize what happens. he sees the color of the flag, and his mind is quick to make the association - but suddenly he's screaming along with jackson and being hugged by him while jumping in celebration, and everything's just a little blurry because he's never been that close to jackson before. their faces are mere inches apart, and even if the boy's a little shorter than him, their faces are absolutely close. he really wished he wasn't so fucking self-conscious, or maybe able to notice but forget it just to enjoy the moment.

they stay like that, cherishing jooheon's victory  for some seconds, until the youngest lets one arm go - the one who was previously on jaebum's waist -, but keeps his left one around the eldest's neck, still holding him close. it's a little uncomfortable because, as aforementioned, jackson is slightly shorter than jaebum. but, lucky for jaebum, that didn't seem to bother him. he looks down at the ring, where jooheon is hugging coach shin like a koala. he doesn't seem pleased by it - but it's a special occasion, so he lets that one slide and cheers (in his usual discrete manner) with his pupil.

"he won! he actually won!" jackson says, in such a happy tone. jaebum can’t tell if his smile is because jooheon won or because of jackson’s own happiness. “this is great! he’ll be in the upper leagues now isn’t he?”

“if he wants to, then yes” jaebum answers. “coach shin must be proud of him”.

“this is partly because of you, y’know it right?” jackson says, and it makes jaebum frown. “you trained him. you should be proud of him too”.

“i am. but it wasn’t because of me. he’s talented, it’s completely his achievement, despite me”.

“shut up and stop being humble, im jaebum” jackson said, playfully hitting him. “let’s go, we’re gonna celebrate!”.


	13. thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "have you ordered already?”
> 
> jaebum nodded. “i was waiting for you”.
> 
> “well, i hope the food here is good, because i am starving”.
> 
> jaebum smiled.

“would you like another bottle of water, sir? or would you like to order something?” the waiter asked. jaebum, fiddling with his phone ever since he arrived, looked up at the man. the server’s white hair was almost non-existent on top of his head, and his grasp at the notebook and pen was shaky.

jaebum smiled gently at the old man. “no, thank you. i’m still waiting for someone, when he arrives we’ll order”.

the man gave him a smile a head nod in compliance – to which he replied to with the same movement. his eyes darted towards the entrance of the restaurant for the tenth time in about 20 minutes (which he had also counted up close). waiting for jackson was almost an ordeal, especially for him, who had little to no control over his own anxiety. _what if he went to another restaurant instead of the one they decided to meet? or got into an accident while coming? what if jaebum had mistaken the address?_ or worse – _what if he simply didn’t want to come?_

after checking the address jackson sent him on their messages (and checking his own location at the maps app he downloaded into his phone), jaebum looked around once more. the soft classical music playing almost like a whisper throughout the whole restaurant wasn’t calming at all – actually, it made jaebum’s muscles tense in nervousness. the people eating and talking around his – their – table seemed to be having fun. he got a peak of the kitchen when one of the waiters opened the door to deliver an order. the whole place looked like one of those chic restaurants he had seen in movies, with a 20’s architecture, red carpeted floor and big wooden ornaments on every single column.

 “did i make you wait a lot?” a very-familiar voice captured his attention. jaebum didn’t even have to look at him to involuntarily shape the biggest smile. jackson’s voice has always been reassuring, just like everything else he did towards the boy.

his figure, however, made jaebum’s mouth run dry (well, dryer than it already was) and his heart almost jumped out of his chest. the boy, with his so glorious bleach blond hair, was wearing a light blue social shirt and social fabric pants. he had a blazer hanging from his right forearm, his right hand holding his phone and the car keys. all the poor boy could register from that view was _fuck, fuck, fuck_. at the same time, things seemed to ease inside him. his muscles loosened a little. jackson smiled at the expression jaebum had while staring.

“i’m sorry, i thought thursday nights had almost to no traffic, but apparently i was wrong” he placed the blazer over the backrest of the only empty chair at the table and sat. jaebum, still a little in shock, could only smirk at his remark. “how are you?”

“going, as usual” he managed to answer. “and you?”

“better now that we’re here. have you ordered already?”

jaebum nodded. “i was waiting for you”.

“well, i hope the food here is good, because i am starving”.

jaebum smiled.

* * *

“i wanna ask you something” jackson says suddenly, after munching on the last bite of his grilled fish. jaebum is still eating – as calm and slow as usual -, but turns his attention towards his boyfriend when he speaks. “do you swear you’re not going to kill me?”

“i can’t promise that” he says, right after finishing to chew his vegetables. jackson pouts. “but i’ll try. what is it? did you do something?”

“no” jackson fires. “ok, maybe i did”. jaebum stares at him as if saying _‘really, jacks?’_. “i wanted to ask you this a long time ago, but i kept postponing it until i found really good pricing and could do nothing but buy them”.

“oh god, what did you buy, jackson?”

“i might have bought us tickets to france, to stay in paris for two weeks. i’m sorry if you don’t wanna come, i-“

“jackson-”

“we’re going during your vacation from work, so you don’t have problems with your boss and-“

“jackson-”

“the place is really nice and i wanted to go there with you but if you don’t wanna go it’s fine we just have to-“

“JACKSON! LET ME SPEAK!”

jackson abruptly shut his mouth. jaebum sighed, not really knowing how to feel about the whole thing. “thank you. stop apologizing and justifying what you’ve done, okay? you already bought them, so of course we’re going. i’ll just have to fix things before that”.

“i knew you wouldn’t want to- wait, did you just say you were coming?”

“of course i did, i would never miss the opportunity to spend two whole weeks with you in paris. _ever_ ”.

jackson felt like screaming and crying and smiling until his cheeks became numb from happiness. _he said yes! isn’t that amazing? he said yes!_ “i can’t believe you actually said yes!”

“why would i say no, you fool? i have no reason to, at all” jaebum hadn’t even noticed, but jackson’s hands were holding his own, fingers intertwined on top of the table. he looked so happy, like a firework in human form, shining bright and happy against the night sky like he was a kid with gifts on christmas night.

“we have to arrange things! i have to tell mom and dad – and you have to warn mr. and mrs. im! we have to start packing already and all that fun stuff we do before going on trips” he started saying, a little too fast due to the excitement. jaebum laughed at his euphoric state.

“calm down, flash” his hands gripped tighter at his boyfriend’s hands, trying to ease all that energy. “we’re going to do all of it, just calm down, you’re acting just like you do when you win a championship”.

“i feel like it too, is it normal?” he asked, making the older laugh again. “i feel like i’ve just won twenty trophies in five minutes, i feel amazing! i might just ask you hand in marriage right now!”

jaebum’s eyes suddenly went wide and his entire face contorted into surprise. “you what?”

jackson noticed what he had just said. _shit_. _shit, shit shit. do it - just do it._

"jackson-"

“will you marry me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the official last chapter of this story. i'm really sorry for taking so long to upload it, you know the shit i go throught because of my lack of time to post things because of my classes. i really hope you've enjoyed this so far, because i certainly did. thank you so, so much for reading.
> 
> see ya! bye! :))


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